sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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