I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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