New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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