Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
