I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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