So drunk its hurt
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
