she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
