I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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