Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
