You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
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