I accidentally burped into my bong.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
