if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
