New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
