I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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