I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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