I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
