Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
