I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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