Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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