My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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