Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
