Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
