he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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