i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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