Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
