i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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