I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
