I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize