Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
