so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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