do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
