Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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