Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
