Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
