Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
