i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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