He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
