A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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