im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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