you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
