Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
