I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They have beer where we have blood.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
