Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
