when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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