You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.