I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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