apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
