Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
