The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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