I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm too high and old for this...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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