My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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