Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
