i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
