I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
