she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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